Pregnancy and infant loss can be difficult to navigate. You may not know what to say or do. That’s okay. Most don’t.

The problem is that pregnancy and infant loss are quite common. It doesn’t seem so because it is not often talked about. However, the March of Dimes estimates that 10-15% of pregnancies result in a miscarriage, and 15-25% of women will experience a miscarriage in their lifetime. And this is just pregnancy loss, which does not include stillbirths or the death of an infant.

In recent years, more people are opening up about their experiences with loss.

In 2016, my husband and I lost our daughter. She was born at 27 weeks and lived for 6 days at two hospitals in the Phoenix area. We never got to bring our daughter, Emilia, home. We didn’t even get to hold her until it was time to say goodbye. To say our lives were shattered is an understatement. This was our first child— a child I was dreaming of for years. We had no explanation for why she was born so early. I didn’t know if I could physically carry a child to full term. The only thing I knew was I needed Emi Rose to be remembered.

So, we created a book foundation. Books were a large part of our relationship with Emilia. They say a baby in utero can hear sounds from the outside world at 18 weeks. So at 18 weeks, we began reading to her. During the 6 days spent in the NICU, we told Emi stories, we laughed, we cried, and we read books. The book foundation was the perfect way to honor her life. The days and weeks are long in the NICU. We wanted every family with a child in the NICU at St. Joseph’s to receive a book to read to their baby in those moments when you want to connect, but just don’t know what to say.

We decided to share the news with friends and family on social media, asking them to send new children’s books to us. The outpouring of support was incredible. We received over 1,000 books in just two short months— enough to supply the hospital with books for an entire year. One of my students, a nine-year-old, even did a book drive in his neighborhood and collected 50 books.

This is what allowed me to begin the healing process.

Opening up about our loss opened a lot of hearts. Other moms and dads reached out to me to share their stories. I listened, and in turn, learned so much from this.

Every person’s journey is different. There is no one path or one right way. But there were commonalities in each journey— things that hurt, things that helped.

No words or actions will erase the pain. But you can follow these general guidelines to ensure you are being sensitive to the parents’ and family’s trauma.

Avoid Platitudes

Platitudes are common. They hold little meaning or weight. they can, however, feel dismissive and insensitive to the grief and pain parents are feeling. Examples include

• “Everything happens for a reason.”

• “It’s part of God’s plan.”

• “God needed an angel.”

• “They’re in a better place.”

Avoid References to Future Pregnancy

After such an incredible loss, parents may not want to try again. It can be scary. You lost once, and you know you can again. The thought of that can be. too much. Even if parents do have another child, a ‘new’ child will not undo the loss or erase the pain. For this reason, avoid statements like the following:

• “You can try again.”

• “At least you know you can get pregnant.”

Avoid Religion

Even people that have previously been religious may have a complicated relationship with God at this time. Unless you know for certain they will find it comforting, avoid references to God, prayers, or blessings. The best bet here is to take the lead from the parents.

So what should you do?

Communicate Support

Typical tasks like cooking, cleaning, and socializing may be hard. People often feel awkward around parents that have experienced loss. This can cause the parents to withdraw. Make sure they know you’re there for them, that they are safe to feel what they are feeling, and you will be there for support. This can sound like the following:

• “I’m here for you.”

• “Can I bring you breakfast/lunch/dinner?”

• “How do you feel?”

• “I’d like to come over when you feel up to it. We don’t have to do anything. I just want to be there for you.”

• “You can talk about your baby with me anytime you feel up to it. I would love to hear about [name].”

Honor Their Baby

Parents often have a special way they plan to honor their baby. If you have the ability to contribute, this could help with their healing journey. For us, it was books and pink roses (our Emilia’s middle name was Rosalie). It is different for every family. If they do not have a specific vision, a simple card or flowers can be nice. Parents that had any hospital stay may also have large healthcare bills, so a financial contribution can be helpful.

Just be there.

Healing is not linear. Good days can be followed by bad days. Even the parents may not anticipate what the hard days will be. Of course, the due date, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and first holidays may be more difficult. Be prepared to offer extra support on those days.

Happiness is also a complicated emotion. Those moments can feel good, and give hope for a new normal, for a future that is not consumed by the loss. But it can also bring feelings of guilt for feeling any happiness after such a tremendous loss.

The best thing you can do is just make it known that you are prepared to be there for them in the good and in the bad.